Fuckin' Summer 2005: Plage: St. Tropez

Our crack team of Hunter S. Texas, Bejewelled and Gauloise, our newest French import, were dispatched to St. Tropez weeks ago. They are only fully starting to recover and sent in these brief notes:

Club 55: While waiting in the bathroom line with Jerry Hall made us chuckle we were somewhat unimpressed as the food as it gave both Hunter S. Texas and Bejewelled food poisoning. Not even Hunter's vodka habit could not kill the microbes dans son estomac and we nearly had to deport him back to the ranch. Bejewelled had to re-evaluate her entire life due to this stomach illness, questioning the meaning of life in a world where Club 55 cannot be depended on for fresh vegetables and tasty tarte tropeziennes. We did discover a nifty small ladder at the bar which clearly was built so that little kids could climb up and order their first dirty martini.

Les Palmiers: If you are looking to leave the P. Diddy tack set behind and avoid the "Russian houkers," as our thickly accented French chouchou Gauloise enunciates it, we suggest heading to Les Palmiers where there is a better edited set of beach worthy bodies. Offensive tan required. There is a modern menu of light food which is as good if not better than 55. There is also a fun blonde waitress that can be persuaded to have a few limoncellos.

Of course for more wild times there is always Nikki Beach (which we noticed now has an Atlantic City outpost for the Diddy tack pack) and the ever-debauched, проститутка infested, La Voile Rouge.

If you are looking for a late day snack head to Le Senequier on the port (look for the red). Have a Tarte Tropezienne, a café, a cig and watch the rich and bored older men make plans with the tables of ‘models / houkers.’

Noir: For a group dinner where the food is crap but models circulate in lingerie and fur coats, dance in Carnival outfits, and perform more costume changes than a Broadway show, head to La Villa Romana. The excuse for the non-stop fashion show is apparently the store that is located somewhere in the restaurant. However the scantily dressed women coupled with loud music and a flamboyant man wearing a fez, whose soul purpose is to get people dancing while dressed in different Village People costumes, do not make you want to buy. They make you want to "party"...

For decent food in this port of no return the two Joseph restaurants are worth stopping by but send an advance man as they are always running late.

For a club that uses the tag line "Fuckin' Summer 2005," VIP Room, a self-proclaimed 'famous club' and its clientele are actually less jaded than one would expect. Instead of the "Goddamnit shit! Not again! Summer 2005" attitude you might expect, the Parisian import with its white walls and Miami-style décor becomes fully unhinged. It claims to serve dinner, but as Gauloise says, "you eat where I put my feet and danced." Of course there is always Les Caves du Roi which is Las Vegas incarnate. So take your pick, Miami or Las Vegas – St. Tropez has both.

For late night hotel parties until dawn without any complaints and where people can hang from the rafters, we suggest the Hotel Byblos which has either insulated the walls and doors of the hotel to be entirely soundproof or which has paid off guests to shut their traps and take the bad with the good. If you want to hang with the beautiful people, you have to be understanding when they all come back to the hotel post-disco to have massive orgies, unable to keep their hands off each other. After all, they can't help it that they're all so beautiful.
L'Hotel
+Byblos, Avenue Paul Signac, Saint-Tropez +33 (0) 4 94 56 68 00.

Restaurants
+La Villa Romana, Chemin des Conquettes, Saint-Tropez +33 (0) 4 94 97 15 50.
+Grand Joseph, 1 Place de L’Hotel de Ville, Saint-Tropez +33 (0) 4 94 97 01 66.

Plage
+Les Palmiers, plage de Pampelonne pres de Nikki Beach, Saint-Tropez.
+Le Club 55, plage de Pampelonne, Saint-Tropez.

Noir
+VIP Room.
+Les Caves du Roi, Hotel Byblos, St. Tropez.