Boris: Suckled in Manhattan

This report just in from our boozehound Boris who apparently has been investigating the bar business:

"Sunday at noon in New York,

While the mortals were out in the Hamptons and the Pride Parade was clogging up 5th Avenue, I ventured out with the trusted Shamus Macallan, a great friend and a titan in the pub industry, to the 2005 Bar Show at the Javits Center (a place no one should enter more than once, maybe never).

I went for research purposes (as I do I have a P.H.D. in alcohol consumption) and Shamus went for business. The event was quite a sight--a convention of booze distributors showing off their wares to the people in the industry. There were all sorts of dodgy people in attendance: mullet sporting chaps, women who looked like men, Norm from Cheers, some hard-ridden “Coyote Ugly” girls doing the Texas two-step in some sort of dance-off, small children, and all other sorts of unattractive and badly-dressed degenerates. Shamus and I wandered around the Show sampling cocktails, eating hot dogs, and viewing various bar accoutrements. After many shots of scotch, vodka, a revolting digestif, and a couple of Spring Break mixings, I came upon the Hooter Shooter booth.

The Hooter Shooter is a pair of synthetic breasts connected by tubing to hip holstered bottles, the bottles are filled with spirits and the booze is then dispensed to the consumer through the nipple of the breast. This is a fantastic contraption! I want to corner the market on Hooter Shooters! Who could dislike the combination of breast-feeding and alcohol? I tried to convince Shamus that he needed to purchase at least 100 of these for his bar, but he refused on the grounds that none of his male tavern tenders would be willing to strap on a pair of cocktail boobs.

After a long discussion on this, Shamus and I departed the Show happily drunk and filled with fabulous ideas of all sorts. We recuperated at JG Melon with beers and hamburgers, then went our separate ways to nap. I hope this report finds you well. I’m off to suckle myself some more Blue Label."

+The 6th International Bar Show
+Hooter Shooters
+JG Melon, 1291 3rd Avenue, New York +1 212 650 1310